Its Gus time, fool. Listen up.

Listen, just because im drunk does not mean i wanna sleep with you ok? 

I know there is this running stereotype that a drunk guy will sleep with anyone. But its just not true. Im sorry to ruin your one last glimmer of hope at ever getting laid in college but you and your Harry Potter shirt are gonna have to resort to Chat Roulette. Im very sorry that your roommate drug you away from the newest episode of Naruto and now your lonely, but im not your saving grace.

Look…

Im drunk, That means one of two scenarios are goin on. Either

1. Im a good drunk. Meaning im having a blast. I dont have time to stop bragging about myself to talk to you about Pokemon. I dont have time to stop playing beer pong to look at your freckle you think is cute (When you have 400 more of them on your face ). I dont have time to stop enjoyin my night so that i can be miserable with you. I have tattoos!! Didnt your mom tell you one out of the 10 times a day she calls you that you shouldnt talk to a guy with tattoos??? You know why?… No! its not cuz we’re trouble its cuz were way too cool for you and your scratch and sniff strawberry sticker on your Hello Kitty bookbag that rolls. I endured 6 hours of pain for one of these things recently. Maybe in a month or so ill have enough tolerance saved back up so that i can look at you for more than 10 minutes, but for right now i don’t wanna be in any more pain.

2. I am a bad drunk. Meaning i am no longer having a blast. I am most likely praying to every god i can think of too make the world stop spinning. Im concentrating so hard on keeping my feet on the ground that i couldn’t catch a word you were saying even if you didnt have a lisp. Im not having a good night anymore and im extremely nauseous, i dont wanna increase both of those by seeing you without clothes on. If i need a pale white light because i cant find a trashcan in my dark room that scenario might come in handy, but thats as far as your getting. On top of all of this im gonna be hungover in the morning. Waking up to that is bad enough.

Now i know all of this sounds horribly mean. But honestly im the only guy nice enough to say this up front. Id rather be a brutally honest blogger than a heart breaker. Look what happened to Tiger Woods, people are throwing hot dogs at him during matches now, I dont like hot dogs!!!! 

I have good news tho for those of you who are upset at this news. Grenades come in all kinds, including guys! Im sure i have a friend who would be very happy to take you home (or to his dorm anyway) and do his very best to make sure you get your Expecto patronum for the night. He may not be prince charming, but he thinks he is. And you girls are the ones always saying its the thought that counts.

Maybe your not sure if your this type of girl. Its understandable. Let me help you figure it out.

If you meet 3 or more of the following requirements you are qualified

If….

• You have read all the Harry Potter books AND you own a HP poster.
• You have read the Twilight Books AND you own a Team Edward or Jacob shirt
• You sleep in footie pajamas
• You still listen to N Sync.
• You wouldn’t be able to see if you pierced your belly button.
• You have duck tattoos on your boobs.
• You keep an emergency snickers bar in your bra
• You could hide a case of Snickers bars in your bra.
• You wear a one piece at the beach
• You SHOULD wear a one piece at the beach
• You can out drink me
• You shave your upper lip.

Honestly, none of these things degrade your value to society in anyway. Many of our country’s most valued leaders probably would say yes to over half of those things, like Oprah for instance ( unfortunately the duck tattoo is one of them ). So don’t feel bad, just don’t come to my parties. 

**** If you are offended by this i apologize. Its a joke. Relax people.

Can someone please tell the lady next to me in line at Mcdonalds that i dont give a shit?

Seriously, im at Mcdonalds. That right there is big enough a hint that im not in a good mood lady! No one should be in a good mood if they are at Mcdonalds. You are knowingly and willingly killing a little bit of yourself by eating Mcdonalds. How in the hell could you do that with a smile on your face? You have a better chance of being happy about breaking your nose. Atleast you can fix a broken nose. That 2 days you lost to that Big Mac will NEVER COME BACK! 

Commercial Break:

- Are you afraid to grow old and wrinkly and saggy and ugly, but dont think you can afford plastic surgery when your older. Well worry no more! With Mcdonalds dollar menu, you can ensure your death by no later than 65 and it wont cost you half a tummy-tuck! -

So back to the lady. She’s driving me insane. All im trying to do is suffocate my misery with cholesterol and she’s telling me about how good her son did in his first lacrosse game. I dont know her, her son, or how to play lacrosse so please tell me why i would care at all? Even on a good day, i might be able to squeeze out a smile for a maximum of 2 seconds.

You know, i blame that lady for the extra pound i gained that week. It probably only wouldve taken 1 Big Mac and a medium fry to cure my pain initially. Because of the irritation caused by Miss IJustLoveMySonSoMuch i had to order 2 Big Macs and a Large fry.

People like this are becoming a huge problem in America. Maybe thats the “Change” Obama was talking about, and it ACTUALLY happened. People went from minding their own business to thinking the rest of the world cared in the slightest. If this is what Obama had in mind it was worse than the change everyone else thinks hes attempting. I’d much rather live in a world where i can stand in line at a death food restaraunt and sulk. Alone. I wanna be able to act like i dont care without feeling bad. I dont want the responsibility of making sure i dont destroy this womans self esteem. I have enough on my plate without having to worry about being nice.

I think this is where Americans come off thinking Europeans are rude. Europe must be like this world i talk about. Where people dont care. Yes, i think the Europeans must have got it right. Of course, not with everything. I mean they play soccer, which is more like an activity than a sport but who am i to judge?

Point is. We need to change. We need to stop caring. Americans need to become more selfish, and more greedy. More like Europeans.

That way we can eat our Mcdonalds in peace.

You know how deer have this weird tendency of standing in the middle of the road as they stare right at your car speeding towards them at 50 miles an hour, like everything is completely fine. The deer seems even a little amused at the lights shining into his fluorescent eyes, warning of impending danger. The deer has no idea that its brains are literally about to be oozing out of its back end. Its sort of like God forgot to connect the part of the brain that says ”you know what? Thats probably gonna kill me” and the part that tells a deer to run.

Freshman in college are like deer.

 They can be in the worst possible place at the worst possible time doing the worst possible thing you could imagine and not realize it in the slightest. In fact they are usually happier in this kind of situation than normal. Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights.

Example. Freshman girls love to go to the trashiest bar in town. Its a place that literally, would probably be condemned if it wasnt in such a lesser area of the country ( Standards here aren’t much higher than the altitude). While at this bar, girls drink uncovered alcoholic drinks given to them by the sketchiest guys from school. After consuming these drinks, the girls dance (and i use the word dance loosely, considering its more like clothed sex) with these guys. It sounds pretty bad doesnt it?

Not to a freshman. To a freshman its like a fat kid in a candy store. Not even a normal fat kid. I mean the kid at your highschool lunch table who started off the conversation with “hey you gonna eat that?” and if you didn’t answer quickly enough he’d take it anyway. He is the same kid who suddenly came down with every disease in the world on the days in P.E where you had to run laps. He was so fat that he not only didnt have to abide by the “3 to a seat” rule on the bus. He got his own row. This was that kid on halloween who changed costumes half way through the night so he could hit up the same houses twice. You know how they say the average BMI of a child is like 20 points above healthy. Well if this kid died tommorrow the average would go down to 15. Imagine how much this kid would love being in a candy store……… Really think about it.

Thats how happy these freshman are.

You know what else bothers me about freshman? They think they run the world. Honestly, its worse than how entitled African-Americans felt when Obama got elected. Its worse than how entitled white people feel when they apply for a job. If a minority gets hired over a white man, the white man thinks he got cheated. Even if this minority has a degree from Harvard, has the charisma of a god, and is willing to work his butt off and the white man has nothing but a veterans discount card and a soon-to-be fulfilled will, the white man feels like he deserved the job.

But back to freshman. They really dont understand their place in the world. You can ask a freshman to be quiet in the library and the conversation would go something similar to this.

• “Hey, sorry to bother you but could you keep it down im trying to study”
• “umm… im talking to my boyfriend on Skype.”
• “Well could you maybe do that somewhere else, there are plenty of other places open.
• “I pay to go to school here just like you do, i have every right to Skype my boyfriend in the library.”
• “Oh right, i forgot you paid to go to school here, that makes this completely ok.

Whats even worse is how much a freshman feels the need to brag about their self.  Freshman love to talk about “other freshman” as an inferior class of people. I literally heard a freshman say the other day in class “I really hate how immature freshman are.”  …. Did you just call yourself immature? I think so. Although im not sure i completely comprehend the freshman language.

You know what though? At the end of the day freshman are a vital part of the college experience. Without them, everyone else wouldnt feel so great about themselves. No matter how bad you are in a class, no matter how stupid you were over the weekend, no matter how bad your fashion choice is one day, no matter how obnoxious you were to some girl, no matter how desperate you seem to someone to fit in…. 

Some freshman has done it worse than you.

So the next time you get upset at a freshman for being dumb, dont. Shake their hand instead. Or kiss them if your feeling extra thankful, im sure they’d take you up on the offer. Because without them, you wouldnt be quite as great. Or maybe your not great your just mediocre, but mediocre is alot better than you would be…

If it wasn’t for  freshman.

You know those days when you wake up and are just pissed off? It doesnt really matter what pissed you off. It could of been a number of different things. Maybe that conversation you had with your mom the night before

• “Mom i promise he’s really sweet and loving, can i please walk with him tomorrow? I’m not going to get hurt”
• “Absolutely not, you know how i feel about his type. I don’t want you bringing him home anymore”
• “But mom! He’s sooo cute, and he licks me and i love it. You know i was upset because Ben never did that.”
• “I don’t care what he does, or how cute he is I will not have a German Shepard in my house, and that’s final Missy”

(For those of you hoping to actually relate to this article in some way ill throw you a bone) Maybe its because your boyfriend just doesn’t get you, or you stayed up all night studying for an exam and you only got a C on it, or you just found out your goldfish died. No matter what happened to piss you off, the point is your pissed off.

So you are in a bad mood. And no i do not mean just one of those moods where your kind of down. I mean you are the merely calm surface surrounding a cataclysmic nuclear global war going on inside your head. Your more pissed off than that time you got a little red tricycle for Christmas instead of a pony. You specifically told Santa you ONLY wanted a pony, how flipping hard is that to remember huh!? You even held the door for that girl who always calls you fat on the bus, you went as far as sharing your Oreo with your little brother. You were an angel! Yet you get a tricycle. A plain red one at that, Santa couldn’t even do you a favor and put cool flames down the sides of it or put spinners on the wheels. Wanna know why people don’t believe in Santa Claus, well now you know.

So your mad, we’ve established that. Now your going to have to do your best happy face all day, its going to be annoying and you know it but it has to be done.

And this, my friend, is where you and every other person in the world messes up. You can not go around pretending to be happy, its only going to piss you off more. Trust me.

This is what will happen.

You don’t even get all the way to class before someone notices your only pretending to be happy. Its that boy Dylan who is doing everything in the world to impress you, so of course his radar is on full alert for some weakness in you he can attempt to fix. He thinks that this will make you like him, but honestly its just really obnoxious. So he moves in for the kill. The entire walk to class your using every technique you’ve ever heard of to keep yourself calm. You decide to try and think of a happy place… Where could that be?…….. Where Dylan isn’t alive yet, that’s a happier place. So you ask Dylan when he was born. 1992 he says. So there ya go, your happy place is 1991. The only problem is, you weren’t alive in 1991 and the only thing you can think to put in 1991 is MC Hammer.Your obviously now in a much worse mood. You short circuit and “Hammer” Dylan in the face with your V8 till he passes out.

So you see, pretending your happy is just not going to work. But don’t worry, Gus is here to help. Try one of these 5 guaranteed tricks to making the worst day of your life, a little better.

1. Sleep all day. You can’t ever go wrong with this one.
2. Hold Alka Seltzers in your mouth all day. Looking like you have a Rabies is a sure way to get people to leave you alone.
3. Tie a string to a dead cat, and pull it behind you everywhere you go. Nothing says “Stay the hell away from me I will kill you” like a dead cat on a string.
4. Get wasted. If self medication is something your doctor tells you not to do, you need a new doctor.
5. Carry an M16 around with you. If your worried about the FBI, don’t be. It took them like 10 years to find Bin Laden and he actually mattered.

——————————————-

The point of this ridiculously random and terribly written article is to point out 2 things.

First. The absurdity of people who walk around all day pissed off, There is really no point in it. No matter what happened, suck it up and get on with your day. It’ll be alright. Goldfish are 99 cent. You can do better on your next test. There will be a hundred other boys in your life, and probably close to that amount just in your dorm room while your in college. The sleep you didn’t get last night will be made up for in one of the many other days a year you do nothing but watch movies and Skype your mom all day.

Second. The sheer annoyance that people like “Dylan” cause to others. Seriously, if someone is in a bad mood and wants to talk about it, they will tell you. Leave them alone. No one wants a guy they just met 2 weeks ago to help them with their life crisis. True, this crisis consists of there not being enough hot water the morning of, but its a crisis nonetheless. So back off.

i sincerely apologize for wasting your time. Thanks for reading. - Gus

 I am here today to talk to you about and protect you from a “stare-off” which can and will occur to you in your near future.  Here is how it works.

So…You know when your walking down the hall maybe even a sidewalk and you see someone you are acquainted with in the distance, slowly approaching. You may not have noticed ( although you will now) that there is instantly a tension in the air between you whenever you make eye contact. This tension is thick, and no not like butter, more like that stupid plastic they put toys in nowadays. That plastic that is so thick a knife wont cut through it without tons of effort, or your scissors have to be made of diamond to even make a scratch on it. Yea that stuff is child proof.

Why they make a toy child proof is beyond me.  Its like people at Hasbro were sitting around one day having a conversation similar to this 

• “We really need to start taking safety around here more seriously”
• “How do you propose we do that sir?”
• “We need to make sure that children can not open the packaging on our toys, so they wont get hurt”
• “Good idea sir, wouldn’t want them hurting themselves on the toy inside”

But i digress (i honestly have no idea if im using that correctly, but i honestly don’t care.) So the tension in the air is thick. Why you are wondering? Because… What do you do?!?!

Here are some optional scenarios:

1. You wave at the person from far off. They do not see you. So you pretend like your dancing, and the only kind of dancing that could pull off a full on wave of the hand is gonna take commitment. So you commit to it, throwing your hands up waving your arms, doing a couple two steps and then you hold your head up high like you know you just danced like an autistic monkey (can monkeys have autism?), but you dont care.
2. You wait for the other guy to wave at you but you dont want to miss them do it. So you stare at them, so much that it becomes awkward and people around start noticing your interest in this persons approach. They laugh and point, you hear murmurs of things that resemble “Robospecialbowl” and “Bob Saggot.” Now your confused because you dont know what a robospecialbowl is, or even why a robot would need a bowl in the first place much less a special one. And why are they talking about that weird guy off of Full House.
3. You make no gestures, just simply say hello as they walk by. They dont even look at you. Your shot down harder than Chris Brown by Rihanna. You wanna turn around and be like, oh hi to you too! But that would be a repeat of number 2. So you simply hang your head and walk to your destination, silently licking your wounds.

As you can see, these kind of “stare-offs” can be very detrimental to you and your friends. Please be careful out there, talk to your children about prevention and steps to avoid ego-destructionism that can come of these types of situations. If your child happens to come down with ego-destructionism, medicate immediately. A full dose of Dora the explorer and her telling your child “you did it” and “good job!” will slowly but surely fix the sickness.

For those of you interested in a moral to this story who cant figure one out themselves ill give you one of the many contained in this article.

Dont go outside without your hater-blockers. They are more essential than attention is to Kanye, than Beiber to Selena Gomez, than cats are to Misses Catloverlady ( Yes its that important). So buy some shades, and dont leave home without them!

Imagine what it would be like if you were completely honest with people in your life all the time. I am not simply referring to the removal of flat out lies that are told to another person, but the expedition of all dishonesty.

I think you would shortly disccover that honesty is not always the best policy.

When someone calls like that crazy aunt you have that always gives you socks and a razor on Christmas, and wants to talk to you about every single thing she did that day leading up to her calling you, what would it look like if you were really honest with her?

• *Ring*
• “Hello”
• “Oh hi Aunt Margaret, what do you want?”
• “Thats not a nice way to speak to your aunt who just so happens to have terrible gas right now, you act like you dont want to talk to me”
• “Thats because id rather have sex with a midget clown than listen to you ramble on for an hour about shit i dont care about, Aunt Margaret”
• “Guess whos not getting in my Will now young man?”
• “Guess who doesnt want to be willed down 300 Precious Moments figurines?”
• *Click*

— On second thought that situation wouldnt be too bad, considering you would never have to deal with her again. But what about that obsessive girlfriend you have that wants to talk 12 times a day? Lets walk through it shall we?

• *Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring……*
• *Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ri-*
• “Hello?”
• “Why didnt you answer the first time”
•  ”Oh sorry Nikki i was hoping you would give up after the first time”
• “What? Oh your just playing with me aren’t you babe?”
• “No not at all, everytime i see your calling me i pray that its actually the hot girl in my Philosophy class i want to take out.”
• “But…But.. babe why are you being like this, i thought we were going to last forever”
• “I only said that so you would shut up”
• “BUT I LOVE YOU!!”
• “Well… atleast we have one thing in common”

— Ok maybe im being unfair, not all of us have obsessive annoying girlfriends and crazy aunts. What about if you were completely honest with your roomate? Lets see how that would play out.

• “Hey, could you please turn the light off when you leave in the morning?”
• “No i wont, i left it on to wake you up”
• “Why the hell would you do that?”
• “Umm… why do you always leave your shit on my bed? Why do you set 8 alarms in the morning and hit snooze every time starting at 6 am, when you dont have class till 9? Why do you let random guys i dont know sleep in our room every night? Why do you smell funny? Why do you stay up till 4 a.m. skyping your ex boyfriend?
• ” This is going to be a long year…”
• “Id fix that for you if murder was legal”

—See what i mean? It wouldnt work. Life would be miserable. You can’t always tell people how you actually feel, you have to sweeten it up a little, you need to play the game. Ya dig? 

So guess what the moral of this story is kids?

… Thats right! Keep lying.

Every group of friends has that one guy, that one person who no matter what, always takes things way too far. I call that guy the “Overstepper” of the group. When i use the phrase “too far” here, I’m not just referring to the common use of the word far. I feel like Webster would say something like

• Far - 1. A distance greater than one feels comfortable to travel.

Or something typical like that. I’m using the word far, like Star Wars kind of far ( You know, ” A galaxy far far away…” ) Or even more like the kind of far that your Grandma takes every goodbye. Remember the last time your grandma dropped you off somewhere and she asked you 20 times if you were still hungry, if you needed to use the bathroom, if you wore underwear. Then she proceeded to hug and kiss you for 15 minutes while she fought back tears and failed miserably at it.

That’s the kind of far these “Oversteppers” like to reach for, and keep going.

You know exactly who im talking about. You should at least. If you do not ill give you a set of simple steps to find this person in your group of friends.

1. Make a gay joke with one of your buddies, wait till he makes one back. At this point the Overstepper will step in on the joke (using his full reservoir of social skills he obtained locked in his room reading Star Trek novels and nervously thumbing through Hustlers) He will hysterically laugh at the first joke, while simultaneously asserting that he would do much worse to you than you first suggested.

Maybe you need an example to understand.

• “Dude if you talk to my girlfriend like that again ill bend you over that table”
• “Yea you would like that wouldnt you?”
• Overstepper - ” Yea i bet youd love to choke on this”

See, you feel awkward just reading that don’t you? You should. You know why? CUZ ITS AWKWARD. But now you know exactly who im talking about. You know this guy and now you feel the need to do something about it.

Let me help.

Its really quite easy to get an Overstepper to quit well… Steppin over the line. You just need one of 2 things:

1. Bigger Muscles than him
2. More friends than him

Good news is, you more than likely have much more of both than this guy. Ok so you’ve established that he can’t hurt you. Now what do you do?

Tell him to leave you alone and Buy him a 3 month subscription to World of Warcraft. This will give him a whole mess of brand new friends that he can actually relate to. It will also provide comfort and company for him on those lonely nights when he misses you and your friends. In this scenario everyone is a winner.

Everyone likes to win.